I try not to expose too much on here. Sure I'll give a sneak peak, but I tend to avoid the really big, really embarrassing, really personal things. After all, some people actually do read this (I'm still amazed they do) and there are just some things that a girl's gotta keep to herself. You know?
But lately my mind is filled to the brim with personal things. Filled up so much that there just doesn't seem to be room for the practical, productive things like remembering to call my dad back. Or order mustard on my sammie at Jimmy John's. Or write anything somewhat amusing or insightful on here. So I think I just need to make some room in the attic of my brain. And the only solution? Spring cleaning in the form of putting pen to paper (or in this case, fingers to keyboard). Because, after all, words don't ever seem quite as unmanageable as feelings and thoughts and emotions and stuff. So feel free to stop reading right now if you don't want to know me this well. (Honestly, Michael, if you want to maintain the pleasant notion that your big sister isn't actually a girl dealing with weird girlie emotions, stop.) Don't say I didn't warn you...
A couple weeks ago (after I spouted off some football stat a normal girl probably shouldn't know) one of my good friends said that she would totally date me if she were a guy. Which, I suppose, is flattering and a complement and all that jazz. But it made me realize a pretty sad truth: I don't think I would date me right now. No way. No how. Not going to happen. Just like Dr. Seuss, I wouldn't touch me with a 39 and a half foot pole.
Because I push guys away. Good guys. Guys who ask me out on dates. Guys who pursue me. Guys who tell me I'm beautiful. Who think I'm amazing. Who bring me flowers when I've had a rough week. Who want to spend more time with me. Really good guys. I just ... push them away.
Because I'm selfish. I've gotten so used to living my life on my own that I run the risk of not knowing how to make room for someone else. Between the late nights at work. And the various intramural sports. And the girls nights out. And the times I just need to be alone for a bit. My schedule is full and I just haven't figured out how to make the time. I haven't wanted to figure it out.
Because I'm a girl who doesn't always have the ability - doesn't always have the emotional stability - to make the best decision between someone who could be right and someone who is right now.
Because I'm addicted to wanting what I can't have... And then it hits me like a ton of bricks. Brutally honest, enlightening bricks. Maybe it's not about wanting what I can't have. Maybe it's really because he believes, like I do, that I'm undateable. He thinks I'm pretty great. Apparently just not. quite. good. enough. (Gulp. Sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.) He's been validating my argument.
So what am I supposed to do with all that?
I guess I just have to continue. I have to go on dates. I have to make mistakes. Some big ones. Some littler ones. But I have to do it all with the best of intentions. And I absolutely have to believe that it's all leading somewhere. Even if it's taking me along the long, scenic route.
Because when it really comes down to it, I don't want to believe I'm a total lost cause. I want to believe in love and connection and soul-mates. And I want to believe it can actually exist for me. Not just for other people. I want to share inside jokes (and my spot on the couch) with someone. To find the smell of a certain guy that makes everything seem comfortable. Makes everything seem like it's going to be alright. I want to find someone who makes me actually want to make room in my life for more than a party of one.
Because as much as I don't think I'm dateable right now. I know deep down, with all my heart, that's just got to be untrue.